elcid1300
Champion Author
San Diego
Posts:1,633
Points:309,025
Joined:Jul 2012
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Message Posted: May 4, 2013 1:32:10 PM
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
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ldheinz
Champion Author
Chicago
Posts:19,007
Points:2,354,870
Joined:May 2006
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Message Posted: Apr 15, 2013 9:00:02 AM
My believer brother-in-law sent me this one:
Four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
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martini58
Champion Author
Texas
Posts:2,111
Points:30,855
Joined:Dec 2008
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Message Posted: Apr 5, 2013 7:34:47 PM
The witness checks out the same territory he had over a year ago and so knocks at the same door that never gets an answer, but this time there is an answer. The witness says to the man..."I was beginning to think no one lives here"...the man says, "well, I heard your voice, but I was naked and so I hid myself" The witness says so why did you answer the door this time? He says, "Well, we went to our church convention and everyone was thrown into confusion and couldn't agree on anything...so I wanted to hear your version of the Bible, since people tell me all these religions are all leaving their religion and joining yours...I figured the truth really does have a particular ring to it...what do you teach?" The witness replies..."We teach the truth from the Bible can set you free, and that freedom starts with what the Bible really teaches...do you have a Bible handy?"
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martini58
Champion Author
Texas
Posts:2,111
Points:30,855
Joined:Dec 2008
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Message Posted: Apr 5, 2013 7:06:28 PM
The pope says "kiss my ring" and flo says "kiss my grits!"
[Edited by: martini58 at 4/5/2013 8:13:36 PM EST]
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erbyfub
Champion Author
Raleigh
Posts:8,732
Points:1,676,140
Joined:Jul 2008
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Message Posted: Mar 23, 2013 9:33:27 PM
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths.
Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
[Edited by: erbyfub at 3/23/2013 10:34:36 PM EST]
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elcid1300
Champion Author
San Diego
Posts:1,633
Points:309,025
Joined:Jul 2012
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Message Posted: Mar 23, 2013 12:34:24 PM
Two men were on a plane on a business trip when a Muslim couple boarded the plane and were seated right in front of them. The two men, eager to have some fun, started talking loudly. "My boss is sending me to Saudi Arabia", the one said, "But I don't want to go...too many Muslims there!" The Muslim couple noticeably heard and grew uncomfortable. The other guy laughed, "Oh, yeah, my boss wanted to send me to Pakistan but I refused...WAY too many Muslims!" Smiling, the first man said, "One time I was in Iran but I HATED the fact that there were so many Muslims!" The couple fidgeted. The other guy responded, "Oh, yeah...you can't go ANYWHERE to get away from them...the last time I was in FRANCE I ran into a bunch of them too!" The first guy was laughing hysterically as he added, "That is why you'll never see me in Indonesia...WAY too many Muslims!" At this, the Muslim man turned around and responded politely, "Why don't you go to Hell?", he asked, "I hear there's not very many Muslims THERE!"
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neofinoy
Sophomore Author
Long Island
Posts:182
Points:55,260
Joined:Dec 2012
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Message Posted: Jan 21, 2013 9:25:40 PM
hahaha :D
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SandysDad
Rookie Author
Baltimore
Posts:56
Points:5,060
Joined:Jan 2011
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Message Posted: Aug 19, 2012 5:57:53 AM
Great!!!
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ldheinz
Champion Author
Chicago
Posts:19,007
Points:2,354,870
Joined:May 2006
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Message Posted: Jul 5, 2012 8:09:58 AM
A Higgs Boson walks into a church.
The Priest says, "Hey! We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here".
The Higgs Boson replies "Without me, how are you going to have Mass?".
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freedom27
Champion Author
Calgary
Posts:2,254
Points:282,350
Joined:Aug 2005
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Message Posted: Jul 1, 2012 4:16:09 PM
Do muslims have religious jokes?
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ldheinz
Champion Author
Chicago
Posts:19,007
Points:2,354,870
Joined:May 2006
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Message Posted: Jun 15, 2012 9:49:43 AM
> While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
> heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
> Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
> robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
> secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready
> for the disposal of the deceased.
> The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
> sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
> always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
> the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
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elk5654
Rookie Author
Tampa
Posts:66
Points:31,290
Joined:Apr 2012
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Message Posted: May 1, 2012 2:43:13 PM
A Rabbi, Priest and Minister were playing golf together and in conversation the minister asked how does the respective house of worship make money? The Priest replied first, we take all the collections from the week and throw it up in the air near the alter, what lands on the alter we send to Rome, what lands off the alter we keep for food pay bills and so on. The Minister replies that he does almost the same thing except that if the money lands on one side of the pews is his the other is the churches. The Rabbi replies I take the money and throw it in the air if God wants any he will grab it and keep it for himself.
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elk5654
Rookie Author
Tampa
Posts:66
Points:31,290
Joined:Apr 2012
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Message Posted: May 1, 2012 2:36:19 PM
A Rabbi and a Cab Driver arrive in heaven and Gideon (he meets jewish people like St Peter meets Christians) asks them several questions. After hearing their reply he takes the Cab driver to a very nice dwelling. The Rabbi is taken to a dilapidated shack. The Rabbi asks "I have been a Rabbi for 60 years and this is what I get? Gideon replies when you spoke people went to sleep the cabbie drove people around they Prayed!
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jdhelm
Champion Author
Iowa
Posts:11,813
Points:1,195,965
Joined:Dec 2009
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Message Posted: Apr 29, 2012 10:39:31 PM
The preacher was summing up his sermon at a funeral, and as he concluded, he paused a bit and said:
For we are all born of dust, and to dust we shall return, for we are all but dust. Please bow your heads in prayer.
Little Johnny turned to his mom and asked out loud: Mom, mom, what's butt dust?
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jdhelm
Champion Author
Iowa
Posts:11,813
Points:1,195,965
Joined:Dec 2009
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Message Posted: Apr 29, 2012 10:35:56 PM
The teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still
Didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on,
She had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher,
They're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough,
They were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than
It was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
Together they worked to get the boots back on, this time
On the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
"Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to.
Once again, she
Struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,
"They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she
Mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle
The boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your Mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
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yodudebc
Champion Author
Vancouver
Posts:5,575
Points:540,900
Joined:Aug 2011
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Message Posted: Apr 29, 2012 10:06:12 PM
"Is it true," asked little Johnny, "that we are dust before we are born?"
"Yes, that is certainly true," answered Sister Mary Magdalen.
"Well, is it true that we are dust after we die?" continued the boy.
"Yes, that is true as well. It is in your Catechism," answered the good Sister.
"You'd better come to our house," said the boy.
"And why is that, little Johnny?"
"Because there's someone either coming or going under my bed!"
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yodudebc
Champion Author
Vancouver
Posts:5,575
Points:540,900
Joined:Aug 2011
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Message Posted: Apr 29, 2012 9:56:18 PM
The pilot had just announced to the passengers that their plane lost all power at 38,000 feet. "We are in our final approach," he finished.
Two passengers looked at each other.
"I'm not worried," said one. "I'm a Christian and I've been born again in the eyes of the Lord."
"I'm not worried either," said the other. "Same old, same old."
"What do you mean?" asked the first.
"I'm a Buddhist, and I've been born again and again and again..."
[Edited by: yodudebc at 4/29/2012 10:58:33 PM EST]
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jdhelm
Champion Author
Iowa
Posts:11,813
Points:1,195,965
Joined:Dec 2009
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Message Posted: Apr 29, 2012 10:00:29 AM
When our minister and his wife visited our neighbor, her four-year-old daughter answered the door. "Mom!"she yelled toward the living room. "God’s here, and he brought his girlfriend."
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jdhelm
Champion Author
Iowa
Posts:11,813
Points:1,195,965
Joined:Dec 2009
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Message Posted: Apr 29, 2012 9:59:05 AM
A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. "I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”
"Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. "All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice.”
"Will that cleanse my sin from me?”
"No, but it’ll wipe that stupid smile off your face.”
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jdhelm
Champion Author
Iowa
Posts:11,813
Points:1,195,965
Joined:Dec 2009
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Message Posted: Apr 29, 2012 9:57:27 AM
old joke:
-
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
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jdhelm
Champion Author
Iowa
Posts:11,813
Points:1,195,965
Joined:Dec 2009
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Message Posted: Apr 24, 2012 9:41:28 AM
Baptist and Catholic
.
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.
"Me, too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.
They discovered that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk along together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never realized before now just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."
[Edited by: jdhelm at 4/24/2012 10:41:44 AM EST]
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yodudebc
Champion Author
Vancouver
Posts:5,575
Points:540,900
Joined:Aug 2011
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Message Posted: Mar 20, 2012 8:22:27 PM
I'm still puzzling about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac. I heard he was awake all night wondering if there was a dog.
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ldheinz
Champion Author
Chicago
Posts:19,007
Points:2,354,870
Joined:May 2006
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Message Posted: Dec 19, 2011 5:28:51 PM
My sister sent me this:
Dear God,
My prayer for 2012 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.AMEN!
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martini58
Champion Author
Texas
Posts:2,111
Points:30,855
Joined:Dec 2008
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Message Posted: Nov 9, 2011 12:56:30 AM
A preacher came to visit a little old lady who was up in age, and he asked her the question, "have you been thinking ANY about the 'here-after'"? The little old lady thought for a minute and she said, "yes, I have!...just-the-other-day I went to the storage shed, and I stopped and began to ponder, Lord, what am I here after?"
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bryceisright
Champion Author
Utah
Posts:3,423
Points:760,015
Joined:Sep 2005
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Message Posted: Nov 4, 2011 1:06:16 PM
Every sermon in church includes Faith, Hope, and Charity. When the speaker starts the audience has Faith the it will be interesting. A few moments into the sermon, the audience Hopes that is end soon. When the speaker is finished and the audience says "Amen," this is Charity.
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Gwen3in1
All-Star Author
Cincinnati
Posts:586
Points:96,940
Joined:Sep 2011
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Message Posted: Oct 2, 2011 4:37:10 PM
I like flyboyUT's joke. I can't beat that.
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ldheinz
Champion Author
Chicago
Posts:19,007
Points:2,354,870
Joined:May 2006
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Message Posted: Oct 2, 2011 1:51:14 PM
LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA
The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were devastating. It did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area. One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans.
The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives?
Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other people, But we ain't gone to Churches in years. We gits our chicken from Popeye's".
The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.
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ChapJohn
Champion Author
Tampa
Posts:14,039
Points:2,182,025
Joined:Sep 2005
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Message Posted: Aug 20, 2010 2:41:10 PM
They've discovered the Chemical formula for Holy Water:
It's H2Omg!
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CPayZombie
Champion Author
Phoenix
Posts:10,053
Points:1,652,690
Joined:Aug 2008
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Message Posted: Aug 12, 2010 2:20:58 PM
A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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bryceisright
Champion Author
Utah
Posts:3,423
Points:760,015
Joined:Sep 2005
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Message Posted: Jun 1, 2010 1:02:58 PM
A church needs to paint their church. The facility director looks at the budget and find there is very little money to pay for the paint needed. He looks into cheaper paints and learns about paint thinner. He finds that he can thin the paint and will have enough paint to get the job done. Then he decides this paint thinner is great stuff and thins the paint so much that he could finish the church then paint his own house. So he paints both his own house and the church. When he is finished with his work, a rainstorm washes all the paint off. He then hears the voice of God shout, “Repaint and thin no more!”
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flyboyUT
Champion Author
Utah
Posts:22,795
Points:1,008,710
Joined:Aug 2008
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Message Posted: May 14, 2010 9:08:20 PM
YOu people are pretty pathetic. No one has any jokes about something as deeply felt as the subject of faith in a supreme being????
Are you saying that God isnt funny or has no sense of humor.
You couldnt be farther from the truth. The proof that God has a finely developed sense of humor can be shown by the fact we exist>>>>>>
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flyboyUT
Champion Author
Utah
Posts:22,795
Points:1,008,710
Joined:Aug 2008
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Message Posted: May 11, 2010 7:22:50 PM
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old
pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and
sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around
the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard
for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the
cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered,
"Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet
were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the
wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's
all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5
minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
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flyboyUT
Champion Author
Utah
Posts:22,795
Points:1,008,710
Joined:Aug 2008
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Message Posted: May 11, 2010 7:13:32 PM
Father Shaughnessy found himself next to Rabbi Ginsberg at a charity
function and could not help but notice that the rabbi was picking at his
food as though he suspected it of being less than kosher. Smiling slyly, the good priest whispered, "Come, Rabbi, when are you
going to break down and eat a nice slice of ham?" "At your wedding, Father," said Rabbi Ginsberg at once.
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